Time for Beach day and doing things that NORTHERN can never EVER DO. ” MAKE THEM JEALOUS OF US BECAUSE GOD GAVE US A BREAK ON THE BEACH. REMIND THEM THAT THEY EAT TOO MANY FATTY MEAT FOODS AND WILL BE WHITE AND PASTY COME MAY AND WILL BE TRYING TO DIET AND HAVE NO SELF CONTROL.
THIS IS NORMAL FOR FLORIDA. TOO BAD IF THEY ARE MAD MAD MAD. They know how to move to a new city. But they don’t because we have 90 degree weather in the summer and they feel dirty when they sweat.
Idea #1: SALAD LOW FAT WRAPS . Place low fat treats inside lettuce and roll them. Best with carrots and non fat ranch dressing. It may be a little bit cool out but the cooked low fat beef or chicken with low fat ranch dressing. MMMMmmm.
Be a skinny mother with the skinny kids that are eating heart healthy food. Serve with sugar free or low sugar limeade. Or if it is one of those 41 degree Florida nights, give them caffeine free tea with orange juice mixed in. Take a walk for 3 miles on Bayshore Boulevard and remind them that other people are fat and they are not.
Or forget the whole $%^&* thing and just get out there and tell the kids to look at the fat tourists who eat crappy fatty foods all winter and have no tans when they visit here. Tell them to give the nice tourists oil so they can burn burn burn. Give them aloe vera for the after night. Tell them to wave to the fat tourists and smile with a patronizing smile. “They are the reason we have no state taxes.”
Idea #2: HOLD ALFIE THE OVER ACTIVE BEAGLE OR HE WILL RUN AND GET LOST ON THE BEACH. . Tell the kids to hold Alfie on the dog beach. Laugh when their arms get pulled. Laugh when you tell them he is a gift and those tourists are clueless and stupid about beagle habits. Tell them they are oversensitive about eating lots of food. Dress them in the bare minimum when it gets u to 83 on a hot winter day. Help Alfie Beagle dig a large hole on the beach.
Idea #3: Play Bingo with the old folks home. No one else will, the northerners don’t want to see their parents. Tell the kids to listen to the old people. They have great stories. Who freaking cares about the stinking cold homeschoolers? Remind them they are cold and older inside than those old people in front of them.
Idea #4: Bury the dog so he won’t get away on the beach. Remind them that the dog still needs to never ever be off leash. Remind them to shower him off while holding him by long 6 ft state park approved leash. Dry him with his own towel. Who the %^&* cares what it smells like in the car. Spray Febreeze. Smile.
Call the northern bloggers and go nan a na BOO BLEEPING BOO. TELL THEM TO HANG UP AND DO A RASPBERRY SALUTE BEFORE THEY DO. O yeah, burp on the phone when you call them back.
Had enough of the beach, you seagull lovers? Lunch is eating at the snack bar with lawn money that they earned. Spray some more SPF 70 ON YOU while the tourists are now burnt. Tell the kids to laugh that they are polite and well, those people are clueless. Head to the car or remind them that they are going to look worse with cancer that the tourists are going to get.
Idea #5: Make Grandpa make the Sandwiches or go to Publix supermarket to get them.
Remind the kids they are not on food stamps or government help and Mom or Dad can spend $6 a sandwich which is cheaper than doing it the other way. Make sure every sandwich is heart healthy and low fat. Take a walk after it is eaten or take a swim at the local Ymca.
Idea #7: WE DON’T WEAR SOCKS WE LIVE HERE. TIME TO BARBEQUE.